Language
by Ichigo No Ki
Summary: Sequel to 'Tomorrow' Renji tells Byakuya he's leaving but will Byakuya swallow his pride and tell Renji what he needs to hear or is it over for good? ONESHOT yaoi


**Sorry for the wait. I'm not going to keep you waiting anymore so authors note at bottom.**

**Warning: Yaoi/boylove/slash/whatever - don't like, don't read, don't flame, tcha?**

**Also, this is a sequel so you might want to go read 'Tomorrow' first if you haven't already 'cuz otherwise this won't make sense**

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Language **

"_I'm leaving you, Byakuya."_

It's strange how effective just four words can be. With a few words a person's life can be changed completely – whether it brings a person hope for a brighter future or whether it brings a person to their knees. Words are everything. Some say actions speak louder than words, but sometimes words are needed, if only to reiterate what our actions have said.

The problem is, not everyone is good with words; sometimes they need to speak through actions just because that's the only way they know how. But still, sometimes the absence of words can be just as effective. For example, the absence of such everyday words as 'hello' or 'how are you?' can indicate ones hostility towards another, or simple silence instead of a denial says more than any lie could….and the complete absence of the words 'I love you', to the person you love destroy the most stable of relationships….

I've never been good with words, though I've often been told I am. You see, I can never say just exactly what I mean. I've been complimented on my eloquence more than once now; I speak in true Kuchiki fashion; saying few words yet saying exactly what needs to be said in order to be understood. And I guess that's true. When giving orders or offering my opinion, I always get straight to the point using appropriate language to the situation but it's always so formal, impersonal; I never reveal anything relating to my true emotions. To be honest, I don't think I know how. Believe it or not, I haven't always been so closed off from my emotions, I've always talked formally, but I was raised to speak that way. I used to be able to say exactly what I was feeling, and it was so _easy_. Every time I looked at her….Hisana. I guess this is where it all began, huh? I loved her. Pure, simple, uncomplicated love and even though my parents disapproved of her, and I shouldn't have married someone so supposedly low in status, it didn't matter. Because I loved her. She was there, with me and everything was fine. I had no problem telling her every single day how much she meant to me- when I was with her it all fit and fell into place and my stupid, "noble" existence made sense. But she left. I loved her and she left me. I watched her fade away and nothing made sense anymore. If she was the cause of my existence, than how was I supposed to carry on without her? I was empty, I made no effort to feel emotions, to love; there was no point. Then there was Renji.

It's so surreal looking back on it. Back when Renji first became my vice-captain, I thought he was a fool. He still shows foolish tendencies sometimes but if someone had said back then that I would fall in love with him, I would think that person was crazy. He was rude, blunt and had a complete disregard for manners and yet there's something in him that drew me in. He's everything I'm not, and everything I want to be…and he wanted me. His boring, uptight captain. I don't remember the exact moment I fell for him, it just progressed slowly. As captain and vice-captain, we spend a fair amount of time with each other and inevitably we would talk. Renji would talk a lot more to be fair and frankly, he irritated me, but as time went on…his stupid jokes, his ignorance, and his rather shocking lack of courtesy suddenly became more endearing somehow. And he made me smile. Furthermore, he made me laugh. The first time I laughed at something he said, he just stared at me. When I'd calmed down enough to speak I asked him why he was staring, and he replied "I've never heard you laugh before." That shocked me because I realised, I hadn't really laughed since Hisana's death, not like that. I suppose I must've had a peculiar expression on my face at that point because he laughed at me, and I relaxed into a smile. That's when I first noticed feelings towards him; he made me feel so at ease with myself, like I didn't have to be so serious all the time. To be honest, it scared me a little. But I kept quiet and acted no differently toward him…or so I thought. Eventually though, we were together. And, I can't honestly say where it began. It just did.

We were at complete ease with each other and spent hours sometimes, just sitting in comfortable silence, holding hands or with Renji's arm around me. And the feelings grew and grew until it hit me. I was in love with him. It must have hit him too because not too long after that he started telling me he loved me. It's impossible to describe just how amazing those words can make you feel, just knowing Renji loved me- it's unbelievable. And I loved him. I _love _him. But I've never told him. I couldn't. And he's standing across from me now, ready to leave me and I… I don't know how I let it get this far.

As I've said, many people have told me I was good with words. But I can't imagine anything further from the truth. How can people say that about me when I can't even tell my boyfriend I love him? Renji, on the other hand, He certainly has a way with language. With just four words he managed to bring me to my knees. Just four fucking words and my world is crumbling around me….

"_I'm leaving you, Byakuya."_

He says he doesn't think I love him, that I'm ashamed of him. I'm not. Whatever he thinks, I'll never be ashamed of who I love. Yes, I love him, even if I've never told him, he should know how much I need him. If he does leave me then….well, what reason do I have to be? When Hisana died, I never thought I'd feel like I did with her. So alive and free. Renji made me feel good about myself, and all these stupid regrets and painful memories I've never been able to let go of, just floated away every time he was with me. It's not like it was with Hisana, of course, Renji could never replace her. It's impossible and insulting to have to choose whom I love more; they're just too different, but the one thing I can connect with the two is the way they make me feel – like I have a reason to live. Hisana was all too aware of this, how I felt. I told her, I showed her and she knew. And yet I was still left out in the cold, and it felt like all these feelings and all these emotions had disappeared with her. I gave her all of me and she took all of me when she died. And I just wouldn't be able to take it if the same thing happened with Renji. Renji was right about one thing, saying 'I love you' does make everything more real. And that is the thing I'm most worried about. Reality hurts. If I make these feelings real then the pain of him leaving would also be real and I can't take it. I thought that if I kept it all inside, and he left me, it wouldn't hurt. But if that was true, then why does it hurt this much that he's leaving me?

I sit here at my desk watching him, and he's standing watching me. We're stuck in the worst kind of stalemate, and I have no idea how to break it. He really is something amazing. How he managed to live with me this long is beyond me, he's been nothing but supportive and caring and yet I've reduced him to this. This isn't him. I see it more clearly now. The shadows around his eyes, the paleness of his skin…he just looks so lost and yet as he stands there, I've never seen him so strong. There are tears sparkling in the corners of his eyes and yet he's not even shaking, his voice never even wavered. And I realise now, just how weak I am. He sighs and I know he wants to say something or do something; the silence is obviously getting to him.

"Is that it? You're just going to sit there and stare at me or is there something you want to say?" He asks a hint of sarcasm in his voice. He laughs humourlessly and I sit there watching him. Still unable to say what I want to. He's about to leave me and I just want to shout out to him to stay, that I wouldn't be able to take it if he left, that I love him….but no I sit here and remain silent. "Typical." He continues "So fucking typical. I guess I was right after all. You know, however stupid it might be, I still thought that there was a chance for us. That you'd actually come out and say what you're feeling. But, I was wrong. I guess you really didn't love me then." And the barriers finally broke. He's crying freely and I don't think I've ever seen him cry before. And I'm still frozen. He takes one last look at me and he turns. And I watch as he leaves my office. It takes a second before reality sinks in and suddenly it all comes down on me at once. The cold settles into my bones and my stomach churns, the rooms turns grey and the whole world slants to the side. He's gone. Renji's gone. Like Hisana, he left me…except I could never have kept Hisana with me; there's no chance of her ever coming home. I could have stopped Renji leaving me….three little words and I could have kept him here…..what is wrong with me? I stand and run out of the room. I've got to find him, I've just got to.

This doesn't feel real somehow, it feels like some sort of demented fantasy, a nightmare. But it can't be, because if it was, it wouldn't hurt like this. I run into the corridor and I see him walking up ahead.

"Renji." I shout out. He turns, and maybe it's the fear of losing him, or the dream-like state I seem to be stuck in, but he's never appeared more beautiful than the way he does now. I walk toward him, barely thinking about what I'm doing or what I'm going to say, I just walk toward him. I want to reach out and touch him, just to check that I'm not dreaming, I'm awake and he's really standing there, crying over me. He waits for me to speak. I can tell that the silence is getting to him again but he won't break it this time, and I know that I need to do the talking but the words are still caught in my throat, choking me, leaving me breathless. "What do you want me to say?" I ask at last. I'm a fool. A stupid, selfish fool. He sighs at me, a mixture of exasperation and sadness.

"What I want is for you to say what you're really thinking; I want to know how you really feel about me." He looks up at me, keeping eye contact. I knew that would be what he wanted. That's all he's ever really wanted. I go to speak but I end up shaking my head instead. I can't. "Byakuya, it's me. You can say absolutely anything you want, so why won't you just tell me?" and there's something in his voice – a sense of desperation I've never heard in him before and that's the thing that's breaks me. That shatters the guards I put up too long ago.

"Because I'm scared, Renji." I blurt out. He looks at me, completely confused.

"Of what? Rejection? You know you don't need to wor…." I shake my head cutting him off.

"Of making it real! If I tell you what you want to hear, then all these feelings that I have for you…they become real, because I've said them and it's not just inside my head anymore. And if it's real, then when you leave, it will hurt, because that's the way life is and I can't take going through all that pain again." And I'm crying now. Silent tears sliding down my cheek, hot and wet about my skin. I'm no longer in my dream this is suddenly so much more real, and it hurts. Like I'm being burnt from the inside out, huge, yellow flames engulfing my body. And Renji's standing there watching me burn.

"That's really why you've never said anything? You don't want to get hurt? What about me Byakuya? What about how much you've hurt me? If I thought that you could love me, I'd gladly stay with you for as long as you want me. But I don't know if you do anymore. I could stop the hurting, if you could stop mine but you're not going to are you?" he looks down at the floor, not wanting to look at me anymore. Maybe he thinks it will hurt less, or maybe I just disgust him. Neither way makes me feel any better. I take a moment to look at him. Really look at him and I wonder, all these years I've known him; he's always seemed to be twice as happy as I am and yet looking at him now….I did this to him… I step forward as close to him as I dare and gently, I reach out and place a hand on his cheek causing him to look up and face me, and the moment freezes. There's just me and Renji. My Renji, the one whose freedom I envy, the one I've spent evenings talking to as we plough our way through paperwork, the one I share my bed with, the one I've been in love with for the past year, and despite my worrying and my doubt, just standing there watching him, it slips out so easily I don't even know if I said it.

"I love you." He stares. I stare. We both wonder if I actually said it. And then he kisses me. Lips crushed against mine, tears mingling on our faces and then laughter. Bittersweet laughter of our foolishness and suddenly, I feel lighter than I have in a long time. I've got no guilt, no regret, and no grief. Just relief, a huge wave of relief drowning out any speck of fear left and then more kisses, steadily becoming more passionate, and as we pull away from the last one, I hear Renji whisper to me:

"I love you, too."

It's amazing just how effective a few words can be.

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**There it is, **

**Sorry for the long wait but school and personal life got in the way of writing it...but its done now. Just wanna say thank you to everyone who reviewed 'Tomorrow', I was going to type this up tomorrow but I was reading the reviews and I felt guilty so Thank You!!!!!!!!!!**

**Dedicated to Mimi for giving me ideas, persuading me my writing's not totally crap and for constantly asking for this fic. love you loadsxxxx**

**Reviews?**

**Thanks,**

**Ichigo No Kixxxxxxx**

**Btw, if you want me to reply to a review then mention in the review and I will.**


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